An ode to the Feminine Spirit
2022 was the medicine journey my feminine didn’t know she needed.
2022 came with the highest dose of unconditional love.
This year brought me to my knees in deep devotion.
Holy yeses and hell no’s.
Humbling tears that tore me apart, and a remembrance of ancient prayers seeded in my heart. It forced me to break down, to crumble, and let go of e v e r y t h i n g
I thought I knew I was.
This year my business as I knew it died.
Right before my eyes I watched it crumble.
Layer by layer.
Dollar by dollar.
Principles and values that I proclaimed as my own back bone broke me as found myself lost, burnt-out, and living beyond my means. I was stuck in the same system I was trying to burn down. This journey has been raw and real. A true ode to the nature of the Goddess, and who she is after patriarchal oppression.
I learned that the Goddess didn’t want to be known.
She wanted to be felt, & 2022 scribed Her name into our lives with a divine plan that I didn’t see coming.
At the beginning of this year I had an idea of who I wanted to become.
Starstruck by the lust of living I wanted more.
More of me.
More of you.
& it was so pure truthfully.
I craved to create opulence for us. I wanted to pour my whole being into my work for The Women. I had a vision, and no clue on how to create it.
My motto was “I rely on miracles” & it was working.
I was overflowing, and it was beautiful.
Bountiful trips to Costa Rica, and Hawaii, while riding the waves of Egypts lessons.
Money came & went with benevolence. Romance and eros deepened. Kinship blossomed among my community.
I felt held by life, but I wasn’t allowing life to LOVE me.
My feminine wasn’t letting it in.
The medicine began to weave when I decided to dive into gut healing.
Since childhood I’ve had issues with digestion and food. I began with doing a Candida Cleanse (if you’ve ever done this, big love to you sister because it is not easy). In this cleanse you have “die off days”. Essentially the yeast and candida in the gut is dying and you feeel it. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually this killed off the BS that was not me – a process I am still very much in. The little beings that were controlling 90% of my brain/gut communication were leaving my body, and I knew that this was going to be big.
The Goddess lead me to Ayurveda to support me in rebuilding my gut, and what I got was an entire lifestyle shift that I was in deep need of. From food to technology ~ how I woke up, how I worked, all of it had to change. I found that I was living way beyond what was true for me. My body was craving a change that my ego was trying to protect me from for years.
The lust for life.
This was not the Goddess.
This was what the patriarchy wanted me to think the Goddess was.
In May 2022 after leading a Retreat in Sedona I decided I didn’t have it in me to keep going with my original 2022 plan. I canceled my Mount Shasta retreat and a 6-month program launch, and stepped into the unknown for the first time in my five years of entrepreneurship. This is where everything began to crumble.
I knew it was time to slow down, to soften ~
This time the Goddess lead me to a modality that would re-write my entire brain-body connection; Network Spinal therapy. I committed to six months of therapy twice a week with the intention of healing trauma stored in my body from conception, and my childhood trauma. I hold so much reverence for my story… its fucked. Because of my trauma I was living half in / half out of love with life.
From the moment I was conceived it was clear that I came here to be a healer.
My parents decided to have me after loosing my sister Alexandra Tori Rae after just 18 month of her life on Earth. Their priest at The Queen of Peace church in Aurora, Colorado encouraged them that having another child would mend their hearts. My mum got her tubes un-tied and immediately (miraculously) got pregnant with me.
When it was good it was gooood, and when it was bad it was BAD.
My parents did the best with what they had, and sadly our lives broke.
By the time I was three my parents divorced and never really had genuine support to grieve and process the death of my sister. They both lost their fathers as children, my mum lost her previous husband, and by the time they were teenagers both my parents were adopted. As an adult no matter what you’ve been through, loosing a child is the worst experience one can go through, but when it is stack upon pervious loss you just break. Humans can only bare so such trauma, and sadly for my family, loosing my sister was too much to bare. We were broken in a world that profits off of brokenness.
The wheel of time waved through life and it was dysfunctional. Both my parents battled with addition to drugs and alcohol. I went through periods of eviction, homes foreclosing, loosing all my belongings, CPS calls, seeing my parents become homeless, go to jail… At times I ran away, faced my own additions with pain killers (a huge source of my gut illness), dated older men, and lost myself in relationships with people who we used me over and over again.
By the grace if the Goddess life loved me through this journey enough to free me from it and led me to the path that I am now on. At 14 a friends mom took me under her wing and taught me Reiki. Within weeks I quit taking pills, and slowly rebuilt my life. On the day of my Reiki 1 Attunment my mum called me for the first time in a year with news that she has graduated her two year rehab program, and was moving into a halfway house and coming into the world as a sober woman ~ one of the many miracles from the divine mother herself. On a whim to save my brother and I from our collapsing home life, at the age of 15 I moved us back to Colorado to live with my eldest sister until my mom was able to find a home for us. We shared an air mattress until we moved into a four bedroom home housing 9 people. That year I went to three different high schools.
All of this to say, until this year I had no idea how to let life love me.
The divine mother held me through thick and thin.
My angel sister lead me to solace over and over again.
I grew up relying on miracles to survive, and it worked.
This was the only way of life I knew, and I was ready for more.
Network spinal supported me in re-writing this narrative, and it required all of me.
Somedays after entrainments all I could do was lay outside under the sky and cry.
Every-time I showed up for a call with clients or to our online community I was amazed by my ability to serve, to lead, even though I was emotionally exhausted.
It’s all connected.
I started to ask myself “what do I truly value?” & “why do I still not feel like enough?”
On paper I have a big business. I’ve watched hundreds of women’s lives change before my eyes through my healing work, and somehow I never let myself deeply feel it. My beloved adored me and together we were sustaining an abundant life, yet I could not feel it. My friends look up to me, my community looked up to, and continuously I found myself playing small.
In September 2022 it became clear to me that this was the thread I was healing, and it was woven into my entire life. To genuinely heal it, I had to let my life as I knew it completely crumble. I was ready to unlearn so that I may remember.
From overflow to emptiness I have found my essence.
October – December was filled with the highest highs and the lowest lows.
I bought a house with my beloved on sacred land, while completely letting go of my foreseeable income so that I could end this year honoring my body first.
I’ve been in hibernation silently fading into the nothingness. No Instagram, no TV, just me and my nervous system healing.
2022 was filled with tears, and the deep rooted depression that my body had held onto since I was in my mothers womb. Everything rose up to be offered to the medicine journey, and I have willingly followed the spiral with devotion.
This years cleansed me.
My gut is healed, and my embodiment is truer than ever.
I am no longer married to money, success, and who I thought I was at the beginning of this year. I have found true solace in fulfillment, rightful service, and leadership. I care for the simple things in life like tending to my roses, sipping tea in silence, and texting my beloved clients just to say hello.
Yesterday I herd a phrase that shook me to my bones.
“Skillful living is true embodied wisdom”
To me skillful living is learning the art of being in relationship with life, and not just reacting to it.
Embodied wisdom is knowing that it is safe to be objective with reality.
Breaking life down to the bare bones may just nourish you.
Living minimally may be the exact medicine you need.
Saving your money might just save you.
Slowing down is always safe.
Reliability is life loving you.
Will you listen?
As I round out this year that has rubbed all of my edges… I can honestly say I am basking in the unknown and looking at my life objectively for direction. In all the places where lust once carried me, I now know how to let life love me into sustainability. Fortified by my own death, I now known where we are going.
If 2022 was the medicine journey I didn’t know my feminine needed, then I’m sure 2023 will be the year my soul has been waiting eons to fulfill.
Until then, I will be leaning back into life, letting it love me into wholeness.
xxx, Taraney Nicole Vigil